Fear On The Wall

November 25, 2007

fearonthewall.jpgYa ever feel like ya build things up in yer head and ya just want them to be so special and magical and like the old days? You put everything you have into it, your money you don’t have, your energy, your time, you give it all you have and more, so so so much more. Because you’re just sure it’s gonna be worth it in the end. Then when it comes time for it to happen, you get a funny pit in your belly. Cuz you just KNOW, it is not going to be what you want it to be. And its not even like you have a certain expectation in your head, like down to the T. It’s just a feeling, an idea, a hope. Maybe you’re hoping for love, kindness, charity, serenity, acceptance. Maybe it’s tradition or at least that’s what the tv tells you. It’s something special. But man when the that little nagging pit in your belly comes you do what you can to psyche yourself out and tell yourself, “no it’s gonna be ok.” But sure enough, it’s not gonna be what you hoped it would be. It is gonna be ok. It’s gonna be better than ok because you live your life for you and your loved ones. Your man and your child. The important ones. The ones that make it all good, every day and every night. We love each other. We bring love, kindness, charity, serenity and acceptance for one another always. But this one night, it is not gonna be what you hoped it would be. It never is, not ever. Each year comes and goes. You prepare, you ignore, you prepare, you ignore. It is always the same. Terrifyingly disappointing. They take, and they take until there is barely enough left for your man and your child to piece back together for you to get back to yourself. But they do. You do. And you tell yourself, it’s gonna be ok.

My First Retraction

November 25, 2007

It has come to my attention that a phrasing I used in the last post I created has caused some feelings of an unpleasant nature. So, I in no way meaning to cause such a thing, am here to print a full retraction of that phrasing. I referred to the people whom were born in the thirties as “poor bastards.” In my attempt to add a humorous turn of the phrase was alas unsuccessful, to say the least. Ironically, I was writing about this group of people, in part, in the context of pointing out that their have been many injustices made to this particular group. My post, was an effort to share that in my humble opinion this group, has more than most gone through more than their fair share of what society has to offer in the negative. For example; The Depression and World War II, and my specific point of not being given a name for their generation, just to name a few. But, I digress… My main point here is to retract the phrase, “poor bastard” in reference to people born in the thirties, and that is what I am doing here. It will not happen again. I hope my humble explanation sheds a little light on the subject. Thanks for listening.

Happy Thanksgiving

November 21, 2007

pumpkin.jpgHosting Thanksgiving Dinner has been my joy for over ten years now in my family. I enjoy doing this immensely. Don’t get me wrong it is a tremendous amount of time, energy, money (I can barely afford) spent and emotions run high and low. All in all, I would not trade this holiday with any of my three sisters, for anything. I’m not sure what exactly it is about Thanksgiving that puts me in the spirit of things. Possibly it is the gestalt of the smells or the colors of fall that surround the table or the twinkling candles that is the bulk of my decorating. I, like everyone, have my fair share of memories, good and bad that make for a challenging holiday. I opt for the traditional Thanksgiving. The turkey, the yams, cranberries, rolls, chestnut stuffing (all from scratch). And of course, the Felliniesque parade of extended family, with all its warts. We all call each other the week before to make sure who is still speaking to whom. The oldest sister of course takes it upon herself to aide in bringing the younger sisters in patching up any miscommunications that have risen among the rest of us. And we dutifully listen because we must put our petty misgivings behind us because after all it is the holidays for god’s sake. In this day and age, there are little or no traditions left. Blended families, generation; baby boomers the original revolutionaries, generation x, the spawn of the revolutionaries, generation y, generation milenniums, and of course my generation the ones that got caught in between all of these. The ones that did not get a name. Much like the generation that my mom got caught up in, that would be the poor bastards that were born in the thirty’s. But I digress…So anywhoo, my point is that traditions have been lost on most of us, and I do my best to bring them back during the holidays. It brings me back to a place that my mom and dad (sort of ) tried so hard to raise me with. It brings me back to a comfort zone. Something we can all do with a little more of throughout the year. So from me to you, a very happy Thanksgiving.

Local Politics

November 20, 2007

2034843831_ecd50ee907-1.jpgI live in a city that takes pride in keeping giant cooperations out and small business owners in. We have successfully kept Wallmart out of our city. That I think is our biggest claim to fame in this area. We march and demonstrate in our local streets on a regular basis when city council does not listen to us and our petitions. This has proven to be very effective in the past. At least once a month when I drive past our City Hall I see a diverse group of energetic people of all ages, sizes and colors waving signs and encouraging passers by to honk in agreement for their cause. At least half of the time I am part of this group, of the sign wavers. If I am not then I am one of the honkers. I love my city. I am always happy to sign petitions in front of our local Trader Joes as well. These petitions range from keeping Wall Mart out of our city from not allowing 45 foot high buildings block our ocean views, to not allowing contractors come in from Los Angeles to build up our lower income areas which would force all of its people to relocate. This would cause a giant burden, not only on the inhabitants but on the economics of our city as well. Not to mention the enormously tall buildings of a concrete jungle in nature. We whom have lived here all of our lives have done so for a reason. We have chosen this city due in large part because of it’s unique infrastructure. We take care of our people and our city. We aim to keep it that way.

Words I Try to Live By

November 19, 2007

2038942458_c9eee23d6b.jpg“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own; without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with the wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from God’s presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to silver of the the full of the moon, “Yes!” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

Till You Wise Up

November 5, 2007

SunriseWhen I met my boy he was five years old. His seventh birthday is in a couple of days. He is the light in my heart. I walked into the classroom on my first day of being his one on one paraeducator. He has autism. He had been labeled with severe behavioral issues. When I was introduced to him, I looked at him and his eyes met mine with the biggest brightest smile and I was hooked. My life would never be the same again. The job did not go very well as the teacher and other two aides were not well trained in behavior managment and I had to be the one who blew the whisltle. I began working at home with him and his mom. At the time, I began working with him he had no language, was not potty trained and did have severe temper tantrums that kept him from being able to show how very bright he was, in an academic environment. After working with him a short time, he was speaking seven word sentences, was potty trained and his temper tantrums all but ceased. He no longer ran into the street into oncoming traffic. He never, ever ran from me. His relationship with his mom blossomed into a loving, kind, and nurturing beautiful thing. This thing that he and I had was born out of mutual love, honesty, respect and admiration. We no longer “work” together. We do however have a friendship now. My husband and adult daughter think of him as part of our loving family. His mom’s strength of character and love for him and us allows us to be his second family. She is a truly phenomenal woman. She has overcome just about every obstacle this world has to throw at a person. Her generosity of heart and spirit is admirable and much appreciated. I have much to learn from her and her son. I am looking forward to seeing both of them at his birthday party. I wonder if he knows how he has enriched my life. I bet he does.