February 10, 2008

I am officially out of the abyss!!!  It has been a slow climb but I did it.  I have been practicing some meditation.  I have been working the book the Artist’s Way.  I have been spending a lot of time with my supportive and loving family.  It all came together and I now have a few pearls of wisdom to share.  I realize that when I’m stuck in the muck and mire of negative feelings, or the darkness of the black abyss, I don’t have to just wait there until my eyes adjust to the darkness.  There actually is light.  I found it.  Once I just relaxed enough.  I realized that it is all just emotion and thought patterns.  These things I have control over.  The hallmark emotion was fear.  Not fear but a paralyzing fear that crept up over me and took control of my entire life.  I was unable to move in any direction.  The most amazing thing happened though, once I realized what it was, I was free.  I simply identified the emotion and I was free.  It all sounds so easy as I write this and it was easy once I was able to do it.  But when I was under fear’s spell I was it’s prisoner.  When you’re “in it” you have trouble just remembering to eat, let alone tracing thought patterns.  So to be able to identify emotions is a big step towards recovery.  The second step after identifying the emotion was to simply and I say simply with my tongue a little bit in my cheek, is to let it go.  Realize that right here and right now there is nothing to fear.  I checked in with myself at the present moment and saw that I was fine.  My life was actually very very good.  Letting go is probably the hardest thing to do.  If you can think of it in terms of holding onto something heavy and how all of your muscles are tight and once you drop the heavy object how relieved your body is, then you can see how that relates to letting go of an emotion or idea.  I find that writing a journal helps tremendously in letting things go.  It also helps in keeping you in the here and now.  Once I was able to let go.  I was able to logically examine what choices I’ve made that got me to this dark place that I’ve been in.  I did a timetable.  I went back to the last time I was feeling good to help me see when it was that I started to feel bad.  It helps tremendously to acknowledge responsibility in the choices you make.  There is power in that.  It was clear to me why I made the choices I made.  The benchmark choice that got things so mixed up, was for me, what they call empty nest syndrome.  I will save that entire experience for another post.  But just one very strong emotion triggered many many choices in my life that did not go so well.  But I now see the light and I thought I would share with you all the patterns of thinking that brought me to the light.  I am very hopeful that these bedrock thought patterns of right thinking will keep me in the light.