Jury Duty

April 24, 2008

Jury Duty.  I have been summoned.  Randomly selected to serve.  Why does this notice send me into an immediate bad mood?  Simply because I must participate in our country’s legal system?  Typically, I won’t even be selected to sit on the jury.  Truly all this notice requires of me is to appear for one full day to the Superior Court.  Granted it will be boring, with a lot of sitting around and doing nothing.  I must ask myself why am I immediately filled with anger and horror at the thought of having to fulfill this obligation.  It’s true, I like many people hate to be told what to do, but my mind instantly fills up with possible excuses to get out of this chore.  Unfortunately, I could not think of any good enough excuses so I will be appearing for this obligation.  But I must state, for the record, I hate it!  Perhaps it is because it has to do with criminals and lawyers and laws being broken.  The very idea puts me ill at ease.  Most people want to put as much distance between themselves and these instances.  I like everyone else would rather read about such things or watch it on tv and shake our heads in shame.  All I know is that I really do not want to do this, but I must.  Paying taxes, death and jury duty are things we all must do.  I wonder if people really get a fair trial when most of the jurors may just be taking our their frustrations on having to be there?  But I suppose I will just have to manage and be a mature, responsible adult and do the best I can.  There must be a better way!

Six Word Memoir

March 31, 2008

I was tagged to write a six word memoir.  Being as though I don’t as yet know how to tag or link yet, I will for now just write the six word memoir.  I will await to be taught the rest.  So here it is:  Never give up and never surrender.

Substitute Teaching

February 19, 2008

joniteaching2.jpgI had my first opportunity to unofficially substitute teach a charming third grade class recently.  It was a lot of fun.  I got to flex my muscles that I forgot I had.  I used to pretend to teach with my stuffed animals a long time ago when I was a kid.  I have been working with kids for over fifteen years in educational, recreational and respite capacities.  I have been considering getting my Master’s Degree and teaching credential, lately.  My husband, who is a teacher gave me this opportunity.  It was exciting and rewarding and I did a great job.  I felt very natural being in front of the classroom holding discussions and answering and asking questions.  This experience pretty much cinched it for me and cemented my decision to follow my professional path.  It has been a long time coming and I am profoundly relieved to be coming into the light from the darkness of a mid-life crisis professionally speaking.  

When I know I am loved

February 18, 2008

When I know I am loved:  I am seen.  I am heard.  I am understood.  I am accepted.  I am considered.  I am supported.  I am comforted.  When my loved one sees that I am happy.  When he sees that I need a rest.  When he looks into my eyes and sees who I am.  When he hears that I am scared.  When he hears that I have something to say.  When he hears that I am quiet.When he understands that I just want to be held.  When he gets that I am hurt.  When he knows that I want more.  When he knows that I shouldn’t be doing something but he gets why I need to and is ok with it.  When I want to yell, cry, swear, run away or go within my sanctuary and allows it without any effort to stop me or control me.  When he sees that I am tired, or hungry or just need a cup of tea, without asking he provides for me.  And in doing so he feels good.  When my dreams, plans, wishes or desires may seem out of reach, he does all he can to help me in my own process to obtain these things.  When he respects my cycles, moods, time lines.  When I just need to be agreed with, validated, he does. 

February 10, 2008

I am officially out of the abyss!!!  It has been a slow climb but I did it.  I have been practicing some meditation.  I have been working the book the Artist’s Way.  I have been spending a lot of time with my supportive and loving family.  It all came together and I now have a few pearls of wisdom to share.  I realize that when I’m stuck in the muck and mire of negative feelings, or the darkness of the black abyss, I don’t have to just wait there until my eyes adjust to the darkness.  There actually is light.  I found it.  Once I just relaxed enough.  I realized that it is all just emotion and thought patterns.  These things I have control over.  The hallmark emotion was fear.  Not fear but a paralyzing fear that crept up over me and took control of my entire life.  I was unable to move in any direction.  The most amazing thing happened though, once I realized what it was, I was free.  I simply identified the emotion and I was free.  It all sounds so easy as I write this and it was easy once I was able to do it.  But when I was under fear’s spell I was it’s prisoner.  When you’re “in it” you have trouble just remembering to eat, let alone tracing thought patterns.  So to be able to identify emotions is a big step towards recovery.  The second step after identifying the emotion was to simply and I say simply with my tongue a little bit in my cheek, is to let it go.  Realize that right here and right now there is nothing to fear.  I checked in with myself at the present moment and saw that I was fine.  My life was actually very very good.  Letting go is probably the hardest thing to do.  If you can think of it in terms of holding onto something heavy and how all of your muscles are tight and once you drop the heavy object how relieved your body is, then you can see how that relates to letting go of an emotion or idea.  I find that writing a journal helps tremendously in letting things go.  It also helps in keeping you in the here and now.  Once I was able to let go.  I was able to logically examine what choices I’ve made that got me to this dark place that I’ve been in.  I did a timetable.  I went back to the last time I was feeling good to help me see when it was that I started to feel bad.  It helps tremendously to acknowledge responsibility in the choices you make.  There is power in that.  It was clear to me why I made the choices I made.  The benchmark choice that got things so mixed up, was for me, what they call empty nest syndrome.  I will save that entire experience for another post.  But just one very strong emotion triggered many many choices in my life that did not go so well.  But I now see the light and I thought I would share with you all the patterns of thinking that brought me to the light.  I am very hopeful that these bedrock thought patterns of right thinking will keep me in the light.  

My First Retraction

November 25, 2007

It has come to my attention that a phrasing I used in the last post I created has caused some feelings of an unpleasant nature. So, I in no way meaning to cause such a thing, am here to print a full retraction of that phrasing. I referred to the people whom were born in the thirties as “poor bastards.” In my attempt to add a humorous turn of the phrase was alas unsuccessful, to say the least. Ironically, I was writing about this group of people, in part, in the context of pointing out that their have been many injustices made to this particular group. My post, was an effort to share that in my humble opinion this group, has more than most gone through more than their fair share of what society has to offer in the negative. For example; The Depression and World War II, and my specific point of not being given a name for their generation, just to name a few. But, I digress… My main point here is to retract the phrase, “poor bastard” in reference to people born in the thirties, and that is what I am doing here. It will not happen again. I hope my humble explanation sheds a little light on the subject. Thanks for listening.