February 10, 2008

I am officially out of the abyss!!!  It has been a slow climb but I did it.  I have been practicing some meditation.  I have been working the book the Artist’s Way.  I have been spending a lot of time with my supportive and loving family.  It all came together and I now have a few pearls of wisdom to share.  I realize that when I’m stuck in the muck and mire of negative feelings, or the darkness of the black abyss, I don’t have to just wait there until my eyes adjust to the darkness.  There actually is light.  I found it.  Once I just relaxed enough.  I realized that it is all just emotion and thought patterns.  These things I have control over.  The hallmark emotion was fear.  Not fear but a paralyzing fear that crept up over me and took control of my entire life.  I was unable to move in any direction.  The most amazing thing happened though, once I realized what it was, I was free.  I simply identified the emotion and I was free.  It all sounds so easy as I write this and it was easy once I was able to do it.  But when I was under fear’s spell I was it’s prisoner.  When you’re “in it” you have trouble just remembering to eat, let alone tracing thought patterns.  So to be able to identify emotions is a big step towards recovery.  The second step after identifying the emotion was to simply and I say simply with my tongue a little bit in my cheek, is to let it go.  Realize that right here and right now there is nothing to fear.  I checked in with myself at the present moment and saw that I was fine.  My life was actually very very good.  Letting go is probably the hardest thing to do.  If you can think of it in terms of holding onto something heavy and how all of your muscles are tight and once you drop the heavy object how relieved your body is, then you can see how that relates to letting go of an emotion or idea.  I find that writing a journal helps tremendously in letting things go.  It also helps in keeping you in the here and now.  Once I was able to let go.  I was able to logically examine what choices I’ve made that got me to this dark place that I’ve been in.  I did a timetable.  I went back to the last time I was feeling good to help me see when it was that I started to feel bad.  It helps tremendously to acknowledge responsibility in the choices you make.  There is power in that.  It was clear to me why I made the choices I made.  The benchmark choice that got things so mixed up, was for me, what they call empty nest syndrome.  I will save that entire experience for another post.  But just one very strong emotion triggered many many choices in my life that did not go so well.  But I now see the light and I thought I would share with you all the patterns of thinking that brought me to the light.  I am very hopeful that these bedrock thought patterns of right thinking will keep me in the light.  

Working Together

February 7, 2008

I have an idea how about all the women in the world wake up and smell the oppression?!!!  I will speak to my generation first, can you remember when your grandmothers talked about not being able to vote?!!!!  Do you remember when your mothers HAD to have dinner ready on the table for your father when he got home from work?!!!  Do you remember playing with dolls and not the cool matchbox cars that your brothers got for christmas?!!!  Do you remember HAVING to wear dresses to school?!!!  Can you believe that we now have a woman running for president of these United States?!!!!  Lets get out there and support this monumental occasion with some enthusiasm, shall we.  If we women could stop our infighting and support each other maybe we would find that we could pull this country together and go forward towards something positive.  Maybe we could go in a direction that we all want to go in.  The collision course that we are on now must be re-directed.  The white male dominated society has had long enough to show what they can do.  Let’s give a highly educated, intelligent, passionate about our country, and the people that live in it, woman an opportunity to steer our country back onto the course that it deserves to be on.  Women, we need to remember where we have been and the struggles we have overcome to just have a right to stand beside a man in most situations.  Many other countries, developing countries have women in the highest positions of power.  We, the United States, a super power, are barely progressed enough to even consider this as an option yet.  Women let’s get it together, stand together, remember our power, put it to good use.  We can make some positive changes.  

Getting My Hair Did

February 6, 2008

I’m getting my hair did today.  Finally!!!  I’m excited and afraid.   You know how it is when it has been a long time in between hair appointments and your hairdresser shames you into feeling like your hair is the most important thing in the world?  I am forced to go to a fancy high end salon.  See it’s so fancy I have to call it a salon.  The people there all wear black.  They all go to hair shows to get up on all the latest in hair and color trends.  Granted they are the best of the best.  And of course this leads to the highest of prices in town.  This begs the question as to why would I go to such a high priced salon?  Well, I have what you might call problem hair.  My friend who used to do my hair referred to it as “smack banana” hair.  I can only assume this is because my hair is so fine and curly that it puts him in mind of the fine tiny fibers of a banana.  You know the little strips you peel off of the banana that are kind of gross.  Well at any rate, my hair is difficult to say the least. And these people know what they are doing.  I walk in there with my fine, curly hair that is unmanageable at best and I walk out looking like a goddess.  I mean it.  I will pay any amount of money if I can just wake up in the morning and not have to fuss with my hair and walk out the door with the confidence that I won’t frighten people.  So today is the day.  With the help of my generous sister who gave me some money for my birthday I will not be spending inordinate amounts of time in front of the mirror just trying to look decent.  So I am looking forward to being pampered.

Food Patch

February 5, 2008

Is there anyone else out there like me who thinks we spend far too much time procuring food for ourselves?  Now I enjoy eating as much as the next person.  I love going out to lunch with my friends.  It is the social aspect of it that I love the most.  The choosing of the restaurant, the variety of foods, the sparkling conversation and the aspect of just getting out of the house is exciting.  It is the food shopping that I am referring to that I can do without.  But it doesn’t stop there.  It begins with the inevitable hunger pang, the unsatisfying search into the empty fridge, the hollow cupboards, that forces us out into the crowded grocery stores.  If you’re lucky enough to have enough money leftover from filling up your gas tank you forge ahead to the grocery store.  There you spend far too much time trying to psychically choose which cart will utilize all four wheels without too much effort.  Then you begin taking the food off of the shelves and putting it into your grocery cart, that always ends up having a mind of it’s own.  Then you take the food out of your cart and onto the moving table of the checkout line.  There they put the food into flimsy bags, which usually are overstuffed.  Then you lift the bags out of the rickety cart that you’ve been pushing all through the store, towards your car.  You fight your way to your car through the maze of crazy drivers and other dazed shoppers.  You lift your bags of food into your car.  You drive home.  You lift your bags of food out of your car and into your home.  There you put your food away.  Then throughout the week if you have the energy to cook, you prepare your food and eat it.  Then comes the clean up.  My answer to all of this energy output is the FOOD PATCH.  It is a radical idea but if we could all have a small patch much like a nicotine patch that delivers all the nutrients that we need throughout the day, then we could dispense with much of the time and energy that food robs us of every day!!!  It is my dream that the scientists can come up with this and we could all enjoy a lot more time to do what we please, we could create art, spend more time with our families doing what we want instead of what we have to do.  Just a thought.

The Measure of Me

February 3, 2008

 There is a measure like the one you learn in music class in middle school.  It consists of straight lines, ranging from dark to light.  If read correctly, the music is played and people’s lives can be enriched and spirits uplifted.  It all begins with these measures. They are what hold the notes together and in place.  They keep them in order.  When you look at a piece of sheet music, you will see rectangles along the entire page.

The measure of music is like the boundaries of emotions.  The notes of music are the emotions.  When the reader of the music plays the notes within the measure the music sounds good, uniform and correct.  It is pleasant to our ears.  There is logic and consistency to the fact that the notes make sense and belong to the exact right place on that measure.  When the notes bounce outside of that measure, it does not sound good to our ears.  It does not take a musician to hear that it does not make sense.  It is much the same with emotions, when they go outside the normal boundaries it does not make sense.  Most people know what it feels like to bounce around the measure of good feelings and bad feelings.  What lies inside the measure or boundaries are feelings that range from good to bad, sad to happy, or elated to extremely sad. There are some people who live outside this measure.  Where music is distorted always.  They can dip inside of the measure at times but this is rare, when they can hear the music that most other people can hear.  They count themselves lucky when they can hear what others hear.  When they can think like others think.  Feel what others feel.  It is not all bad for these people.  They just stand in and outside of the measure, but mostly outside of the measure.  I believe it is the constant bouncing in between that is the hardest though.  It is like sitting at a concert with your loved ones, listening to the same music, hearing most of the same music but these people hear something entirely different through most of the concert.  It is as if the notes bend for them outside the measure and play a separate concert that only they can hear.  These people have gotten used to being different.  They would so like to be seen, understood, heard and feel connected. Perhaps one day they can write a song and coax the notes to bend around the measure so that others can hear it, if even for a brief magical moment…


January 31, 2008

dsc02111.jpgIt’s about choices. It’s about dreams. Possibilities.  There is beauty in this life.  Love in this heart.  Everywhere I look I see beauty. In the remarkable clouds above my head. The clouds remind me it won’t always rain.  The cool breeze crosses my cheeks and reminds me I can feel.  The sun warms and heats my chest, it reminds me that I won’t always feel cold.  I’m thirsty and I can drink my favorite vitamin water that nourishes me and makes me feel alive.  When I am lonely and I can call my loved one and spend the afternoon laughing and discussing politics.  I can be angry and disillusioned at the state of the government and I can vote and write letters to my congress.  I can be sad that people are hungry and I can donate my time and food.  I can feel ugly and I can create something beautiful.  It’s about choices.  It’s about dreams.  Possibilities.  

Fear On The Wall

November 25, 2007

fearonthewall.jpgYa ever feel like ya build things up in yer head and ya just want them to be so special and magical and like the old days? You put everything you have into it, your money you don’t have, your energy, your time, you give it all you have and more, so so so much more. Because you’re just sure it’s gonna be worth it in the end. Then when it comes time for it to happen, you get a funny pit in your belly. Cuz you just KNOW, it is not going to be what you want it to be. And its not even like you have a certain expectation in your head, like down to the T. It’s just a feeling, an idea, a hope. Maybe you’re hoping for love, kindness, charity, serenity, acceptance. Maybe it’s tradition or at least that’s what the tv tells you. It’s something special. But man when the that little nagging pit in your belly comes you do what you can to psyche yourself out and tell yourself, “no it’s gonna be ok.” But sure enough, it’s not gonna be what you hoped it would be. It is gonna be ok. It’s gonna be better than ok because you live your life for you and your loved ones. Your man and your child. The important ones. The ones that make it all good, every day and every night. We love each other. We bring love, kindness, charity, serenity and acceptance for one another always. But this one night, it is not gonna be what you hoped it would be. It never is, not ever. Each year comes and goes. You prepare, you ignore, you prepare, you ignore. It is always the same. Terrifyingly disappointing. They take, and they take until there is barely enough left for your man and your child to piece back together for you to get back to yourself. But they do. You do. And you tell yourself, it’s gonna be ok.

My First Retraction

November 25, 2007

It has come to my attention that a phrasing I used in the last post I created has caused some feelings of an unpleasant nature. So, I in no way meaning to cause such a thing, am here to print a full retraction of that phrasing. I referred to the people whom were born in the thirties as “poor bastards.” In my attempt to add a humorous turn of the phrase was alas unsuccessful, to say the least. Ironically, I was writing about this group of people, in part, in the context of pointing out that their have been many injustices made to this particular group. My post, was an effort to share that in my humble opinion this group, has more than most gone through more than their fair share of what society has to offer in the negative. For example; The Depression and World War II, and my specific point of not being given a name for their generation, just to name a few. But, I digress… My main point here is to retract the phrase, “poor bastard” in reference to people born in the thirties, and that is what I am doing here. It will not happen again. I hope my humble explanation sheds a little light on the subject. Thanks for listening.

Happy Thanksgiving

November 21, 2007

pumpkin.jpgHosting Thanksgiving Dinner has been my joy for over ten years now in my family. I enjoy doing this immensely. Don’t get me wrong it is a tremendous amount of time, energy, money (I can barely afford) spent and emotions run high and low. All in all, I would not trade this holiday with any of my three sisters, for anything. I’m not sure what exactly it is about Thanksgiving that puts me in the spirit of things. Possibly it is the gestalt of the smells or the colors of fall that surround the table or the twinkling candles that is the bulk of my decorating. I, like everyone, have my fair share of memories, good and bad that make for a challenging holiday. I opt for the traditional Thanksgiving. The turkey, the yams, cranberries, rolls, chestnut stuffing (all from scratch). And of course, the Felliniesque parade of extended family, with all its warts. We all call each other the week before to make sure who is still speaking to whom. The oldest sister of course takes it upon herself to aide in bringing the younger sisters in patching up any miscommunications that have risen among the rest of us. And we dutifully listen because we must put our petty misgivings behind us because after all it is the holidays for god’s sake. In this day and age, there are little or no traditions left. Blended families, generation; baby boomers the original revolutionaries, generation x, the spawn of the revolutionaries, generation y, generation milenniums, and of course my generation the ones that got caught in between all of these. The ones that did not get a name. Much like the generation that my mom got caught up in, that would be the poor bastards that were born in the thirty’s. But I digress…So anywhoo, my point is that traditions have been lost on most of us, and I do my best to bring them back during the holidays. It brings me back to a place that my mom and dad (sort of ) tried so hard to raise me with. It brings me back to a comfort zone. Something we can all do with a little more of throughout the year. So from me to you, a very happy Thanksgiving.

Local Politics

November 20, 2007

2034843831_ecd50ee907-1.jpgI live in a city that takes pride in keeping giant cooperations out and small business owners in. We have successfully kept Wallmart out of our city. That I think is our biggest claim to fame in this area. We march and demonstrate in our local streets on a regular basis when city council does not listen to us and our petitions. This has proven to be very effective in the past. At least once a month when I drive past our City Hall I see a diverse group of energetic people of all ages, sizes and colors waving signs and encouraging passers by to honk in agreement for their cause. At least half of the time I am part of this group, of the sign wavers. If I am not then I am one of the honkers. I love my city. I am always happy to sign petitions in front of our local Trader Joes as well. These petitions range from keeping Wall Mart out of our city from not allowing 45 foot high buildings block our ocean views, to not allowing contractors come in from Los Angeles to build up our lower income areas which would force all of its people to relocate. This would cause a giant burden, not only on the inhabitants but on the economics of our city as well. Not to mention the enormously tall buildings of a concrete jungle in nature. We whom have lived here all of our lives have done so for a reason. We have chosen this city due in large part because of it’s unique infrastructure. We take care of our people and our city. We aim to keep it that way.